Twelve Steps and Yiddishkeit

A recovering person writes:

When working  the program, especially during the meetings, there is great emphasis on being open and honest; as they say, ‘we are only as sick as our secrets’. It is here where I can finally be myself; sharing authentic thoughts, feelings and character defects…

I do not see this feeling extending itself outside of the meetings. While davening in shul, I feel like both myself and others are being superficial and ingenuine as we try to impress each other- making them believe we are what we really are not. This expresses  itself in many forms; such as a when I give the impression of praying with intense concentration by closing my eyes and swaying vigorously. This seems to be one of many instances where I feel like I’m living a double life when really all I want is to be real, among others around me who are also open and honest. I want Shul to be a place where I can feel comfortable, not a place where I am judged by others and/or plagued by the insecurity of not acting like someone I don’t see as my true self.
 
Rabbi Twerski Responds:

Be careful not to project. Just because you felt you were not genuine does not give you the right to accuse others of being fakes. If you don’t want to be judged, why are you judging others?

I was at a gathering where a woman who had converted to Judaism said, “Don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.” Similarly, don’t judge Yiddishkeit by how some frum Jews may behave. There are many sincere frum Jews, although there may be some who only act frum. Not every person in the 12-step program is a saint.

Incidentally, the issue of not judging others is fundamental to Yiddishkeit. My mother used to refer to “the holy al tadin,” the statement in Pirke Avos, “Do not judge another person until you have been in his place.” One who judges others is not being frum.